Door-to-door Raconteur Gifts

"Sir, – May I share with you the benefits of accepting all cookies?"

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

"Bad things happen to people who don't buy my cookies, Sir."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

'Must really be a terrible headache you've got there, Doctor.'

'At least they can't touch the village local' say two country gents. The pub now has a sign on the window saying 'This is now a smoke free pub, also no dogs or horsey types!'

Wow, I don't know why we don't sit down like this more often!

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

"Okay, now we're too domesticated."

"You know, Larry, you really don't have to carry that thing around to tell "knock-knock" jokes."

'Farm News' readers want to know about my childhood? Rather normal really: Lived in a pigsty, ate swill every day...'

Max Beerbohm

Now we wait for the show to begin!

'Life on the farm used to be so... innocent. What's happened to us?'

"Tell me again about those twelve mile hikes you were on in the military."

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'

'The night cows fell on Alabama.'

A Boy Visits The Rector To Ask For Some Soup.

The Mormons

'Down on the farm!'

Jumpin' Jehoshaphat's Witness. (Published previously on March 18, 2008.)

"No one turned in a cow, pig or chicken Mr. McDonald."

Man Tries To Teach Horse To Jump.

Businessman As A Weather Vane

Soap Box

"Ding dong ditch is fun, but it's better to watch their reactions when you pretend to be soliciting."

Skip this one - They have a no solicitors sign.

"As far as roommates go he's fine, he just leaves deadly traps everywhere."

"Who rang that bell?"

"Hey girls, remember the traffic jam yesterday when we were changing paddocks? Front page today!"

"I grew up on a farm. In fact, I learned to ride a horse before I could walk!"

'I won't introduce you - he's an arable farmer. Absolutely arable.'