Skilled Raconteur Gifts

'I can play the harmonica! I have five weeks of sniper training! I can remember every joke I've ever heard! And I can't find work!?'

The ghosts of Christmas yet to come.

"You know who's tougher than all your little superheroes? The fossil fuel industry."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I don't see a destination called 'Veganville' sir."

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

Janey then realized that babysitting isn't easy...

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

'Wait a minute! What if this isn't just a puddle?! What if it's a huge, furious hibernating snowman?'

"I see you're an ex televangelist who would like to stay in sales."

'For God's sake give me some angst, how will I ever write a misery memoir?'

'It was a dark and stormy night. Also, there was a Catch-22.'

Non Thought For The Day.

Man writing at laptop says: 'It's a UK road movie ??" to give it more scale, I'm making the characters three inches tall.'

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."

Mother changing the words to 'this little piggy' to be more healthy

"Start with a Spanish doubloon. Those are always good."

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

"A homeless person ate my homework."

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

"Whoops - I Accidentally Pressed 'Elevator Pitch.'"

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

"This X-Ray proves conclusively that you don't have a book in you."

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

'Have you ever thought about doing a children's book?'

'Who else have I written for? Ridge Park Avenue, 7th Street, Elm Road, Thornwood Drive...'

'Right, how can I help you?' 'Your wife is having it off with my husband!'

Crafty Beer: "I'm making a scrapbook of when you were still fermenting."

'It's a reinterpretation of the 'Christmas Carol'...but with a 'Vampire vs Werewolf' contemporary take on the story.'

"Hey I know, let's play bored kids hanging around after school."