Stylish Raconteur Gifts

'I've got a suit for every day of the year - this is it.'

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'The hair specialist is down the hall.'

Non Thought For The Day.

"I wrote a poem, even though I'm on vacation."

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

'If you're worried what to say you do for a living at your reunion, just tell them you recently bought a large stake in a local brewery.'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

William Tell Overture

'I think it's nice for kids to have wooden toys.'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"What does he know, and how long will he know it?"

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

Max Beerbohm

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

Social butterfly

Oscar Wilde

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'

'Let me take you away from all this — I know a much better bar across the street.'

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

"Tell me again about those twelve mile hikes you were on in the military."

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

Brenda always had Safe sex

Time flies when you're having fun.

GoodWitchBadWitch.com, online clothes catalogue for moody people. What do you think?

"And this is where I met your mum."

'Down on the farm!'

"I'm the writer, executive producer, and star of my fibs."

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

Businessman As A Weather Vane

I'm thinking of open-carrying. Forget it, little buddy. The last thing anyone needs is for you to be running around armed. You don't know the first thing about firearm safety. Who said anything about firearms? I'm talking about open-carrying my iPad. STOP! There's nothing more disgusting than a geek who thinks he's a technology cowboy wearing his gadgets like they're weapons. Stop the madness! What do you think, Randy: Hip holster, thigh holster, or shoulder sling? STOP!!! A real man would just

"In the bad old days, Nigel used to spend much of his time drinking and 'picking up birds'. . ."