Hair-raising Raconteur Gifts

'The hair specialist is down the hall.'

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

Non Thought For The Day.

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

'If you're worried what to say you do for a living at your reunion, just tell them you recently bought a large stake in a local brewery.'

William Tell Overture

"Back in the day, this pub was full of young, long-haired radicals, hell-bent on changing the world."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"What does he know, and how long will he know it?"

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

Max Beerbohm

Oscar Wilde

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

"Tell me again about those twelve mile hikes you were on in the military."

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'

'Let me take you away from all this — I know a much better bar across the street.'

'I thought I gave you money to get your hair cut?'

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

'Hey - you groomin' my kid?'

Man with Sex Reviews.

'The male pattern baldness is genetic, but your dense lower back hair appears to be a gypsy curse.'

"Your Honor, I ask you – is this the toupee of a successful adulterer?"

Liar's Club fish

Ed uses comb-overs on his bald spots.

I'm thinking of open-carrying. Forget it, little buddy. The last thing anyone needs is for you to be running around armed. You don't know the first thing about firearm safety. Who said anything about firearms? I'm talking about open-carrying my iPad. STOP! There's nothing more disgusting than a geek who thinks he's a technology cowboy wearing his gadgets like they're weapons. Stop the madness! What do you think, Randy: Hip holster, thigh holster, or shoulder sling? STOP!!! A real man would just

The less you know

"I can't remember the last time I ran my fingers through your hair."

With Hunting Season comes Storytelling Season.

I think my diet is TOO high in fiber.

"You, sir, should be grateful to find a hair in your soup."

'I'll scream if one more person claps when I tell them how old I am.'

'Whatever you do, don't offer an extended warranty on that nose-hair trimmer.'

The Elephant Man makes his move.

'I've got a suit for every day of the year - this is it.'