Witty Raconteur Gifts

Oscar Wilde

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

"My support group told me to go to hell."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

Non Thought For The Day.

Crow and fox

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

Jokes machine.

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

The Algonquin Round Table

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

Bat out of Hell

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

William Tell Overture

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

"So, what is your star sign?"

A lesson in wit

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

'Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a giraffe!'

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

"Have you ever licked cream off a woman's body?"

"Try the fish. It's brain food"