Witty Raconteur Gifts

Oscar Wilde

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

"My support group told me to go to hell."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

Non Thought For The Day.

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

Crow and fox

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

Jokes machine.

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

The Algonquin Round Table

A lesson in wit

'The bar association barred me from going before the bar...So I came to a bar.'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

William Tell Overture

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

Bat out of Hell

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"So, what is your star sign?"

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

Quizzo tonight! Win a tee shirt! Trivia is my middle name, but I have all the tee shirts I need. So, tell me something: Are there Quizzo groupies?

Is this your father, little guy? No, lady, my father is a libel attorney, and you'll be hearing from him.

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."