Royal Raconteur Gifts

'These speeches are a lot of trouble -- from now on, I'll just leak everything to the press.'

"From way up, you look like an ant."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'What's the matter with you people? -- Didn't I TELL you to prosper?'

'...And before I knew it, I'd delegated ALL my authority!'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

Non Thought For The Day.

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"Back in the day, this pub was full of young, long-haired radicals, hell-bent on changing the world."

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

"I'll need a three iron."

'He's still on a tether from his incarceration, but one day he hopes to go wireless.'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

How Platypuses Are Born

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

Social butterfly

The world's oldest braided rug

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

'But what I'd really like to do is direct.'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

Brenda always had Safe sex

'I understand that the two of you had a rather successful collaboration on our new sex manual!'

Dear Diary...Royal Diary

"I'm the writer, executive producer, and star of my fibs."

'It's a cheeky little wine!'

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

'Ok, ok. We'll run through it one more time. The rabbit pops up, goes round the tree ..'

'Well yes there was life before television but it didn't amount to much. . .'