Royal Raconteur Gifts

'These speeches are a lot of trouble -- from now on, I'll just leak everything to the press.'

"From way up, you look like an ant."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

'What's the matter with you people? -- Didn't I TELL you to prosper?'

'...And before I knew it, I'd delegated ALL my authority!'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

Non Thought For The Day.

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"Back in the day, this pub was full of young, long-haired radicals, hell-bent on changing the world."

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

"I'll need a three iron."

'He's still on a tether from his incarceration, but one day he hopes to go wireless.'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

How Platypuses Are Born

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

Social butterfly

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

'But what I'd really like to do is direct.'

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'

The world's oldest braided rug

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

Brenda always had Safe sex

"And this is where I met your mum."

'I understand that the two of you had a rather successful collaboration on our new sex manual!'

Dear Diary...Royal Diary

'It's a cheeky little wine!'

"I'm the writer, executive producer, and star of my fibs."