Advice Raconteur Gifts

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

'No.... My cat doesn't like being given pills either...'

Non Thought For The Day.

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

"I was just ringing to see if you got the e-mail about the letter I sent you?"

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"Bartleson, are we cronies yet?"

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

"Hurry, hurry! When you get back, we'll finish rehashing 1924 and get right on to 1925!"

'He's still on a tether from his incarceration, but one day he hopes to go wireless.'

"The employer-employee bond is sometimes difficult to sever."

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

"I'm the writer, executive producer, and star of my fibs."

Railroad Crossing. It's the last official weekend of the summer, Ernie. For me, summer has always been like a passing train. When I was a kid, both trains and summer went by at a leisurely pace. Ding! Ding! Ding! Now that I'm much older, summer is like a modern bullet train ... it's just a blur that seems to be gone in an instant!

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

Well, whaddaya know, your insurance DOES cover probes. Check-Out.

"How nice to be misunderstood in more than one language!"

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

'Well yes there was life before television but it didn't amount to much. . .'

"I'm in this dynamite twelve-step program that helps me not miss steps in my other twelve-step programs."

"Tonight: date with an angel: gonna meet her at seven: be on my way to heaven. Get the picture, Bob?"

'I remember when all this was banks...'

"Yes, I remember you. I recommend the house Merlot. It goes well with a bad tip."

"I've always been pretty good with the ladies" - Small claims court.

Wash your hands. . . like you just shook his hand.

'I'm just out of rehab...texting addiction.'

"Well, hey, Robin - it sounds like we're about ready for your suits to come over here and talk to mine."

Tell me what you know about destiny...