Ranch Life Humorist Gifts

'God darn it Tex! I kept telling you if you keep on punching cows one day one is going to punch you back.'

'Whose darn idea were these brand stickers?'

'Little Yank' Calf Puller.

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

'Cool! Brownstar Wars!'

I fart more than that!

A Venus cow trap.

Who's gone medieval on our ass?

Red trousers at night - shepherd's delight.

'Zeb, don't you reckon it's time you took that pig into town and traded him for some decent Wi'-Fi?'

"You're living in a fantasy world, Nelly. Farmer Dave doesn't know you're alive. Plus, he's a human being, he's married, he's the church pastor and he's secretly gay."

"Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope."

'If you're not doing anything, come on over and we'll shoot the bull!'

'It's negative attention ... as long as you keep asking why, they'll keep on doing it.'

Cow in a vest: Well, I think I look like Bruce Willis!

Objects in mirror bear no relation to reality.

'Hey Sally, do these new capris make me look pretentious?'

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

'Nonsense! They can't All have headaches.'

"In honor of your birthday I had your face tattooed to my ass."

I told you not to use horse liniment as an underarm deoderant...

"Year after year we sit here quietly raising eyebrows, son."

The Mongolian Steps Slinky Cows.

'Is it ok if I just bring in some of our carpet?'

'I overheard the farmer say I have a future at McDonalds.'

'Well, no, I wouldn't say I'm a mad cow, although Farmer Brown does get on my nerves once in a while!'

Testing...testing...one, two, three...

"He keeps watching over our flock. I think it's a stalker."

"Do you recognize the one who stole your tractor?"

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

Early American Think tank

Cultivating Toughness in Footballs.

'So...you claim Farmer Jones kept you locked up naked in a dirty sty, fed nothing but garbage and repetitively called you a filthy swine!'

'Looks like we've got ourselves another cow jacking.'

COWS: Spare cow