Ranch Life Humorist Gifts

'God darn it Tex! I kept telling you if you keep on punching cows one day one is going to punch you back.'

'Whose darn idea were these brand stickers?'

'Little Yank' Calf Puller.

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

'Cool! Brownstar Wars!'

I fart more than that!

Who's gone medieval on our ass?

A Venus cow trap.

'Zeb, don't you reckon it's time you took that pig into town and traded him for some decent Wi'-Fi?'

"Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope."

"You're living in a fantasy world, Nelly. Farmer Dave doesn't know you're alive. Plus, he's a human being, he's married, he's the church pastor and he's secretly gay."

'It's negative attention ... as long as you keep asking why, they'll keep on doing it.'

Objects in mirror bear no relation to reality.

'Hey Sally, do these new capris make me look pretentious?'

"Year after year we sit here quietly raising eyebrows, son."

I told you not to use horse liniment as an underarm deoderant...

'Nonsense! They can't All have headaches.'

The Mongolian Steps Slinky Cows.

'Well, no, I wouldn't say I'm a mad cow, although Farmer Brown does get on my nerves once in a while!'

"He keeps watching over our flock. I think it's a stalker."

Testing...testing...one, two, three...

'Is it ok if I just bring in some of our carpet?'

"Do you recognize the one who stole your tractor?"

'Looks like we've got ourselves another cow jacking.'

Cultivating Toughness in Footballs.

COWS: Spare cow

'I don't know if she's gonna be much good. I don't think she's even registered.'

All the other land having been claimed and fenced already, Jedidiah bought his own range from the big box store.

Early American Think tank

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

'So...you claim Farmer Jones kept you locked up naked in a dirty sty, fed nothing but garbage and repetitively called you a filthy swine!'