Quirk Master Pillows

Dick's hobby of collecting manhole covers kept him out of trouble... except of the hernias.

'Mr. Simmons, we've been asked by the entire world to make you wear these.'

'Okay I'm just going to leave the 'skills' part blank.'

Orchestra.

How to Deal With Leftover Turkey

"Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout!"

"The man who invented autocorrect died from the corona vibrator."

"Our bond is stronger because we chose each other."

Freaks of nature exhibit.

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

'Oh, I don't have a problem, doc. My friend here has a problem.'

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

'This duck call works too well.'

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

Horny Nanny Seeks Lonely Goat Herd.

Love is...ignoring his farts.

Jokes machine.

Customer to skin artist: 'Can I just get a tattoo of a body piercing?'

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

Real Estate Personals

"I've heard a lot about you - all nutty, of course."

"You said it—everybody heard you."

'Ask about our daily sermon by fax plan.'

'Well, you make it sound silly. All my new hybriproducts are unique and useful.'

"You must forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles... Does the best man have the ring?"

Bat out of Hell

"When you sit down, you get a shock. Open a book, you get a shock. Write something, another shock. It's a typical psychology class."

"You had too many characters in your last tweet."

The not so secret life of Walter Mitty

"I'll kill you if you crack your knuckles again."

What's Their Secret?

'What did I tell you about getting caught on the ropes?'

"I'll stop saying 'irregardless' if you'll stop staying 'at this point in time.'"

'According to your resume, you have unusual organizational techniques.'