Quirk Master Gifts

Dick's hobby of collecting manhole covers kept him out of trouble... except of the hernias.

'Mr. Simmons, we've been asked by the entire world to make you wear these.'

'Okay I'm just going to leave the 'skills' part blank.'

Orchestra.

How to Deal With Leftover Turkey

"Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout!"

"The man who invented autocorrect died from the corona vibrator."

"Our bond is stronger because we chose each other."

Freaks of nature exhibit.

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

'Oh, I don't have a problem, doc. My friend here has a problem.'

'This duck call works too well.'

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

Horny Nanny Seeks Lonely Goat Herd.

Jokes machine.

Love is...ignoring his farts.

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

Customer to skin artist: 'Can I just get a tattoo of a body piercing?'

Real Estate Personals

"I've heard a lot about you - all nutty, of course."

"You must forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles... Does the best man have the ring?"

"When you sit down, you get a shock. Open a book, you get a shock. Write something, another shock. It's a typical psychology class."

What's Their Secret?

"You said it—everybody heard you."

Bat out of Hell

'Ask about our daily sermon by fax plan.'

'Well, you make it sound silly. All my new hybriproducts are unique and useful.'

The not so secret life of Walter Mitty

"You had too many characters in your last tweet."

"I'll kill you if you crack your knuckles again."

'What did I tell you about getting caught on the ropes?'

"I'll stop saying 'irregardless' if you'll stop staying 'at this point in time.'"

Backdoor