Quantifying Humor Gifts

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

Billy. The Kid.

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

The devil you know and his plus one

Zenemies.

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"It's a swearbox."

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'Your thesis on 'how to keep warm in winter'? Interesting.'

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

Aggression/Security

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

Wall Street...

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

"Today's special is we'll pull the plug on the jukebox if someone else's music annoys you."

'Leap frog? No thanks- I'm a toad.'

"Boss, can you check the address again? I have a bad feeling about this one."

"What if it's smarter than us?"

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

Human meat.

"Hey, Zorro! You forgot your mask."

'Yeah, I hate change, too.'

"Caution! Now entering the margin of error."

"Such a heavenly night I spent in your bed."

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

"..and you'll also need Percy here, his interpreter"

'Too much hazel, not enough nut.'

Duckumentary: 'QUACK!'

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

"Wake up, Jane! There's a giant talking squirrel at the end of your bed!"

I think you've cured my depression, doctor. Lately, when I read the funny papers, it seems to me like "The Family Circus" has gone over to the dark side.

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."

"You know all the best pubs for lunch, Seamus."