General Humor Gifts

Internet Epitaphs

Ice Cream Surgeon

PSA Banter.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

Wifi in Hell

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'My medical school believed laughter is the best medicine.

Trump

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

World Cup Fever

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

'No, I'm sorry, Danny. I'm afraid your dad won't be able to shoot laser beams from his eyes after surgery.'

"I like when we get organ transplants from New York because they always throw in a dozen bagels."

You can relax now.

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

It was a pretty vicious attack. He's lost a lot of candy.

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

The doctor says if it doesn't come out soon, she'll have to induce.

'You've got dry scalp.'

Bad news for famed author, I. P. Freely, 'Yellow Waterfalls': 'It's your prostate, I.P., It's as big as a baseball.'

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."