Language Humor Gifts

'Sure I said get some bark for the garden, but this is ridiculous!'

"Have you ever seen a cow slip under a hedge?"

"I'm like... totally OK with a guy who has a pony tail."

"Incentivize me with a paradigm of mesculin greens and grilled chicken."

Night Club.

'Are you willing to carry a chip on your shoulder.'

"The ad was a typo. We're looking for an expert in fingerprinting...not finger painting."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"It's a swearbox."

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Pansexual"

"It's okay. That's just adult-speak for hot dogs."

"What?"

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

'Turner don't use that expression 'Pie int he sky' its sounds ridiculous and don't point!'

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

Jenkins discovers the dark underworld of palindrome chatrooms.

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

Bomb Pronouns