Language Humor Pillows

'Sure I said get some bark for the garden, but this is ridiculous!'

"Have you ever seen a cow slip under a hedge?"

"I'm like... totally OK with a guy who has a pony tail."

"Incentivize me with a paradigm of mesculin greens and grilled chicken."

Down here, we prefer "gesundheit."

Night Club.

Nickel-and-dimed to death.

'Are you willing to carry a chip on your shoulder.'

"The ad was a typo. We're looking for an expert in fingerprinting...not finger painting."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"It's a swearbox."

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

An English and French student converse.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

"Hey, Zorro! You forgot your mask."

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"What?"

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Pansexual"

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

"It's okay. That's just adult-speak for hot dogs."

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"