Linguistic Humor Enthusiast Gifts

"Pansexual"

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"It's a swearbox."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

Wordplay: Nonstarter.

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

An English and French student converse.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'Once a donzel, the dyvour now settled for orts.'

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

"He's a fine talker, but can you understand Portuguese?"

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'I don't like this part. 'Please find enclosed the inclusion of my enclosure'.'

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

'Her being multi-lingual has it's drawbacks I'm afraid-she nags me in SIX languages!'

"What?"

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

Overly wordy travel.

"That's strange. It must have been slow."

"Is it ne'er do wells, or ne'ers do well?"

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

"You don't need to sacrifice good grammar in order to talk dirty."

Simultaneous translation.

Boss hands over document: 'There are too many abbreviations in your report ? can you rewrite it asap?'