Linguistic Humorous Gifts

"It's a swearbox."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

An English and French student converse.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'I'll keep my remarks brief.'

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"What?"

"Pansexual"

"It's okay. That's just adult-speak for hot dogs."

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

"I'm bad with languages. The only foreign sounding phrase I know is crack-a-brewski."

Board on Baby

'I could murder a pint!'

Canal No. 5: Vagrance

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

'Turner don't use that expression 'Pie int he sky' its sounds ridiculous and don't point!'

"The ad was a typo. We're looking for an expert in fingerprinting...not finger painting."

Bomb Pronouns

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"