Linguistic Humorist Gifts

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'My goodness, Mr. Grtptzsk -- how long has it been since you had a vowel movement?'

'You ssspeak funny! How come you don't have a lisssp?'

'It's the French Government - they want us to return all the words we borrowed from their language.'

"How sick are you feeling?"

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

'You mean to ssssay we have sssspeach imedimentssss?'

'The crushing boredom has become somehow ennobled since I started calling it ennui.'

Lift

'As President of the Annoying Saying Society, just let me say.....enjoy.'

College Books: Meat the Arthor. . . Special Sail. . . We Bye Yoused Text Books.

"I got in with a rogue crowd."

"Excuse me, have you seen anything of a plump, sord orsute of wildfowl here abouts?"

Wordplay: Gauntlet.

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

Hackney

Blow Up

"I told the young lady I'd giver her a tinkle, Your Honor, not a tickle."

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

"I don't like the term 'Stone Age'. I prefer 'Prequel'."

Car Fanatic Baby Name Brainstorm

"Sit, sir. Harvard M.B.A. I speak business patois."

"Hello pathta."

"They say the British have fifty words for mud."

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."

"You were overheard saying you'd kill for a good tomato."

"I'm supposed to be someplace downtown right now, sucking the air out of the room."

A panhandler and his dog stand next to a sign that reads "Bill and his talking dog"; the dog beside him speaks in Chinese and Japanese.

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"No, I mean literally literally!"

"Incentivize me with a paradigm of mesculin greens and grilled chicken."

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"My pronouns are fee/she."