Grammar Humorist Gifts

Punktuation Marks.

"You have the right to remain silent..."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"You're going to hate yourself."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"It's a swearbox."

'People have been known to lose an eye when a wink goes seriously wrong.'

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

I think we should stick to doing this with a piano.

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

An English and French student converse.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Pansexual"

"What?"

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

"Keep your eyes peeled Jenkins - another photocopiers gone missing."

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

'Turner don't use that expression 'Pie int he sky' its sounds ridiculous and don't point!'

Bomb Pronouns

Board on Baby

Canal No. 5: Vagrance

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."