Jargon Humorist Gifts

"It's pre- some wars."

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

Torturing the English Language

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"We have an acronym!"

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

A Bloody Butcher

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

'Would everyone please phrase their questions in ones and zeros please.'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

"It probably got lost in the voice mail."

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

"It's a swearbox."