Language Humorist Gifts

'News of the vague.'

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

Millennials Eye Chart

'I speak three languages, if you include text-ese and my fake British accent.'

Cockney rhyming slang chiropodist in a butchers shop

See Gull.

'It's for you.'

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'Oh, he doesn't NEED to know how to talk - I'm his agent.'

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

'Hmm.'

"Political correctness is water under the bridge, man! That's why yesterday's excrement is today's mashed potatoes!"

'I could murder a pint!'

"I'm Eggspecting."

Pig Latin next to Pigeon English classes.

"She be a fine ship."

"The book ends are for people who like to read between the lions."

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

The Five Most Frequently Used Words: 'I. You. He. She.' 'Woof.'

"Okay, here's another example...my mother irons my father's permanent press shirts. That's irony!"

Night Club.

'The problem with Russian stalkers is that you need a translator on hand!'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"You're going to hate yourself."

'Yes, all at once!'

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Fangul." Italian sausage.

The Scottish Lawn

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Prize vegetables with rude names.

"When did this game get started?"

Translating Contractor to English