Language Humorist Gifts

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

'News of the vague.'

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

Millennials Eye Chart

'I speak three languages, if you include text-ese and my fake British accent.'

Cockney rhyming slang chiropodist in a butchers shop

See Gull.

'It's for you.'

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'Oh, he doesn't NEED to know how to talk - I'm his agent.'

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

'Hmm.'

"Political correctness is water under the bridge, man! That's why yesterday's excrement is today's mashed potatoes!"

'I could murder a pint!'

"I'm Eggspecting."

Pig Latin next to Pigeon English classes.

"She be a fine ship."

"The book ends are for people who like to read between the lions."

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

The Five Most Frequently Used Words: 'I. You. He. She.' 'Woof.'

"Okay, here's another example...my mother irons my father's permanent press shirts. That's irony!"

Night Club.

'The problem with Russian stalkers is that you need a translator on hand!'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

Mumble. What? Mumble. Can't understand your order. Pandemic! Mumble. You're ordering pandemic?

Bowling Lanes. That's not what's meant by "picking up a spare," Ernie.

Thirteen states sounds so unlucky --- Are you sure we can't Nova Scotia to join?

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"You're going to hate yourself."

'Yes, all at once!'

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."