Bilingual Humorists Gifts

Fart. Le Poot.

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

F&E Stables. Horses Boarded. The owner of this horse is a huge fan of the late musician, "Prince." That explains the purple reins.

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

An English and French student converse.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

Prize vegetables with rude names.

Translating Contractor to English

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"Are you aware that in your submission you misspelled 'deer editer'?"

Liberals' Wishful Thinking about Joe Biden

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

"The most common adverse vaccine reaction after the first dose is trying to get the second dose."

Bomb Pronouns

Jenkins discovers the dark underworld of palindrome chatrooms.

'I could murder a pint!'

Canal No. 5: Vagrance

'Turner don't use that expression 'Pie int he sky' its sounds ridiculous and don't point!'

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'

"So our ant-cestors come from Ant-artica?"

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."