Multi-linguist Humor Gifts

"I'm an international service agent. I can say 'I'm not responsible' and 'I don't know' in four different languages."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"It's a swearbox."

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

An English and French student converse.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'I can't pronounce either his name or the out-sourced country where he works.'

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"What?"

"Pansexual"

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."

Bomb Pronouns

'Turner don't use that expression 'Pie int he sky' its sounds ridiculous and don't point!'

'I could murder a pint!'

"The ad was a typo. We're looking for an expert in fingerprinting...not finger painting."

Board on Baby

Jenkins discovers the dark underworld of palindrome chatrooms.

Canal No. 5: Vagrance