Bilingual Humorist Gifts

"The good thing about knowing both English and Spanish is you're worth twice as much!"

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"The Eggsorcist"

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

F&E Stables. Horses Boarded. The owner of this horse is a huge fan of the late musician, "Prince." That explains the purple reins.

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The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

An English and French student converse.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

Artist uses connect-the-dots canvas to paint nude model.

"It's not my fault - how was I to know you'd look scary with your clothes off?"

Prize vegetables with rude names.

"So, Owen tells me you guys met in art school."

Translating Contractor to English

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

Nude conductor of Orchestra conducting 'The full Monte-verdi'

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"Are you aware that in your submission you misspelled 'deer editer'?"

After talking one stranger to death, Velma starts in on the next.

"Gracie, you're a good mud artist."

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

'It says this artist is making a statement about man's struggle with the rising cost of oil paint.'

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.