Linguistic Humorist Pillows

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'My goodness, Mr. Grtptzsk -- how long has it been since you had a vowel movement?'

'You ssspeak funny! How come you don't have a lisssp?'

'It's the French Government - they want us to return all the words we borrowed from their language.'

"How sick are you feeling?"

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

An English and French student converse.

'You mean to ssssay we have sssspeach imedimentssss?'

'The crushing boredom has become somehow ennobled since I started calling it ennui.'

Lift

An Orange and a Norange.

'As President of the Annoying Saying Society, just let me say.....enjoy.'

College Books: Meat the Arthor. . . Special Sail. . . We Bye Yoused Text Books.

"I got in with a rogue crowd."

"Excuse me, have you seen anything of a plump, sord orsute of wildfowl here abouts?"

Wordplay: Gauntlet.

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

"Rough ruff? Rough!"

Hackney

Blow Up

"I told the young lady I'd giver her a tinkle, Your Honor, not a tickle."

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

Canal No. 5: Vagrance

"I don't like the term 'Stone Age'. I prefer 'Prequel'."

Car Fanatic Baby Name Brainstorm

"Sit, sir. Harvard M.B.A. I speak business patois."

"Hello pathta."

"They say the British have fifty words for mud."

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."

"You were overheard saying you'd kill for a good tomato."

"I'm supposed to be someplace downtown right now, sucking the air out of the room."

A panhandler and his dog stand next to a sign that reads "Bill and his talking dog"; the dog beside him speaks in Chinese and Japanese.

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"No, I mean literally literally!"

Torturing the English Language