Linguistic Humor Lover Gifts

'The operation was a success, but your colon is now a semi-colon.'

"Wordplay — terrapin. Ouch! Who put that on my chair?"

"For heaven’s sake, Doc, enough with the medical jargon! Just give it to me in plain Dothraki!"

What part of "no" don't I understand? Well, I know the "o" is a vowel, but I can never remember if the "n" is called a consonant or a condiment.

Grammar. I really wasn't trying to be a wise guy. The teacher asked if anybody could give an example of a conditional phrase, and I said "If you pay me." (Published originally on Nov. 6, 2014.)

"What?"

"We believe in truth in advertising."

Dyslexic Diets

Canadian Importers - In, Oot.

"If he asks for p*ssy ut's fine, so long as it really is a metonymy."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Torturing the English Language

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"It's a swearbox."

I think you'll find that I'm easily encouraged. For instance, the fact that the two exclamation points above your head are tempered by one question mark gives me great hope. !?!

'Do you always have to shout? Well? Do you? Huh?'

'Diver caught scallops - is that a description of what happened or a compound adjective'

Irritable Vowel Syndrome: "EEEIIIOOOAAA AUUUEEE!!"

The Oxford Comma Coin

Harmon Silas, calculating the thousand words his picture is worth, wonders what do do with contractions.

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

"Not that kind of hare, Rapunzel!"

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

'Well? - Now that we've learned to talk, aren't you going to admit that you were wrong?'

An English and French student converse.

'Yes, I speak perfect English, I have to 'cause you English are too bloody lazy to learn French!'

Sign on Roget's Thesaurus, Inc.: 'Absent Ingesting Comestibles'