Quantifying Humor Pillows

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

Billy. The Kid.

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

Zenemies.

The devil you know and his plus one

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"It's a swearbox."

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'Your thesis on 'how to keep warm in winter'? Interesting.'

Aggression/Security

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

'Leap frog? No thanks- I'm a toad.'

"Today's special is we'll pull the plug on the jukebox if someone else's music annoys you."

"What if it's smarter than us?"

"Boss, can you check the address again? I have a bad feeling about this one."

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

Human meat.

'Yeah, I hate change, too.'

"Caution! Now entering the margin of error."

"Such a heavenly night I spent in your bed."

"..and you'll also need Percy here, his interpreter"

"You know all the best pubs for lunch, Seamus."

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

'...And now, this Surgeon-General's warning: 'Look out, you fools!''

"You'll like my mate - he's a scream..!"