Humor Pillows

'What I wouldn't give for some good eczema medication!'

"The fax machine ate my homework."

'That's MY boy-playing truant to visit his dear old dad!'

'I don't like the way your eyes light up when that nurse comes in!'

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

'...all very nice, but will I be able to fit my head out the window?'

"Jesus, look at the body on that broad"

Billy. The Kid.

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'Your thesis on 'how to keep warm in winter'? Interesting.'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"This city is becoming unlivable."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

Aggression/Security

"Only one of us can be 'The Funny One'."

'Leap frog? No thanks- I'm a toad.'

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

'It's not Spring yet! Go back to sleep!'

"Today's special is we'll pull the plug on the jukebox if someone else's music annoys you."

"Boss, can you check the address again? I have a bad feeling about this one."

'Yeah, I hate change, too.'

"Such a heavenly night I spent in your bed."

Hell's Schlegel

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

'It'll make 'feet' obsolete!'

"..and you'll also need Percy here, his interpreter"

'...And now, this Surgeon-General's warning: 'Look out, you fools!''

"You know all the best pubs for lunch, Seamus."

Duckumentary: 'QUACK!'

Couple using dogs to pull their camper van.

"Can we be seated under a vegan painting?"

'Personally I wouldn't be seen dead in it.'

"The ad was a typo. We're looking for an expert in fingerprinting...not finger painting."

"Somewhere along the line the world got a whole lot dorkier."