Good Humor Pillows

"We'll be well into January before that post-holiday smile fades."

Billy. The Kid.

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'Your thesis on 'how to keep warm in winter'? Interesting.'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

"Only one of us can be 'The Funny One'."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

Aggression/Security

Wall Street...

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

"Today's special is we'll pull the plug on the jukebox if someone else's music annoys you."

'It's not Spring yet! Go back to sleep!'

'Leap frog? No thanks- I'm a toad.'

"Damn it, Hopkins, didn't you get yesterday's memo?"

"Boss, can you check the address again? I have a bad feeling about this one."

Pope Kimba XXIII.

"Hey, Zorro! You forgot your mask."

'Yeah, I hate change, too.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"The test results have come back - you ARE a t**t."

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

"Such a heavenly night I spent in your bed."

'What colour is a hiccup?'

"It requires so much less work than a dog."

A psychic predicts the discovery of gluten.

"..and you'll also need Percy here, his interpreter"

'Too much hazel, not enough nut.'

Duckumentary: 'QUACK!'

"Good news...your stool sample revealed it was only a Tootsie Roll. Bad news...I'm going to have to go back in and make sure I got it all."

I think you've cured my depression, doctor. Lately, when I read the funny papers, it seems to me like "The Family Circus" has gone over to the dark side.

Couple using dogs to pull their camper van.

"Can we be seated under a vegan painting?"