Good Humored Pillows

"Remember when I borrowed 20 bucks from you...and you laughed when I said I'd pay you back right away?"

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese."

A Golden Non-Retriever

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"Only one of us can be 'The Funny One'."

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

'It's not Spring yet! Go back to sleep!'

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

Snowman with big carrot nose to one with small carrot nose: 'I'd increase your beta carotene.'

"I'm pretty lucky. I have a wife that tolerates both my lactose and bad habits."

"His face may be in the gutter, but his bum's looking up at the stars."

"My reflexes are not what they used to be: This is how I catch birds now..."

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

'It was at this point that I insisted all employees eat their vegetables.'

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

Delta and Omicron Race

Middle Age Spread.

A psychic predicts the discovery of gluten.

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

'How can it be whole if the wheat has been ground into a powder?'

'Yes, a diet can cause stress, especially if it's your husband's.'

What is it about Sarah Palin's politics that bothers you so much?

'Personally I wouldn't be seen dead in it.'

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

Couple using dogs to pull their camper van.

OLD COMEDY vs. NEW COMEDY

'What I wouldn't give for some good eczema medication!'

'Mum, how come we're always the bad guys in bed-time stories?...'

'Do you have any skills other than knowing how to keep a tidy desk?'

"The fax machine ate my homework."

'If we could just figure out some high-energy diet, we wouldn't have to spend the hole day eating.'

"Thank you so much for the loan. I don't think I can ever repay you."

City Natural Foods.