Healthy Humor Pillows

'If we could just figure out some high-energy diet, we wouldn't have to spend the hole day eating.'

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

Snowman with big carrot nose to one with small carrot nose: 'I'd increase your beta carotene.'

'It was at this point that I insisted all employees eat their vegetables.'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

'Don't be tempted, Mrs. Root, just mail those apple fritters right here to me!'

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

'It's a clear case of dehydration.'

'I know dieting requires a change of lifestyle, Helen, but this is ridiculous!'

'I'll take #1.'

Middle Age Spread.

"Wuhan virus, Ebola, West Nile, Asian Flu. . . what's wrong with good old American diseases?"

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'Chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered strawberries...is not what I mean when I said that fruit is healthy for you.'

"This can't be right. I was supposed to lose 20 lbs before my next annual exam - maybe I should postpone my appointment for ... another year."

'Yes, a diet can cause stress, especially if it's your husband's.'

'How can it be whole if the wheat has been ground into a powder?'

'The only thing wrong with you is that you're holding up my golf game.'

"C'mon, walk it off!"

"Does this antibiotic go better with a white wine, or red?"

'They worry about their cholesterol, but they don't give a damn about ours!'

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

Multitasking: Psychiatry and Podiatry.