Healthy Humor Pillows

'If we could just figure out some high-energy diet, we wouldn't have to spend the hole day eating.'

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

Turn your head and laugh.

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

Snowman with big carrot nose to one with small carrot nose: 'I'd increase your beta carotene.'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

'It was at this point that I insisted all employees eat their vegetables.'

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

'I know dieting requires a change of lifestyle, Helen, but this is ridiculous!'

A psychic predicts the discovery of gluten.

Middle Age Spread.

'I'll take #1.'

'It's a clear case of dehydration.'

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

"Wuhan virus, Ebola, West Nile, Asian Flu. . . what's wrong with good old American diseases?"

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'Don't be tempted, Mrs. Root, just mail those apple fritters right here to me!'

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'Chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered strawberries...is not what I mean when I said that fruit is healthy for you.'

"This can't be right. I was supposed to lose 20 lbs before my next annual exam - maybe I should postpone my appointment for ... another year."

'How can it be whole if the wheat has been ground into a powder?'

"C'mon, walk it off!"

'Yes, a diet can cause stress, especially if it's your husband's.'

'The only thing wrong with you is that you're holding up my golf game.'

"Does this antibiotic go better with a white wine, or red?"

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

'They worry about their cholesterol, but they don't give a damn about ours!'

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

'The bad news is you've got something no one's ever heard of...the good news is we're naming it after you!'