Healthy Humorist Pillows

"Not all fat's bad. Maybe you're gaining the omega-3 polyunsaturated kind."

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

'With artichokes you end up with more than you started.'

Snowman with big carrot nose to one with small carrot nose: 'I'd increase your beta carotene.'

'Yes, a diet can cause stress, especially if it's your husband's.'

' So if Vegatarians only eat vegatables...does that mean Humanitarians only eat humans?'

'How can it be whole if the wheat has been ground into a powder?'

'This is great, a fruit you can eat, drink . . . and wash your ears with.'

'What's a good diet for athletes?'

Diet Foods: Don't get your hopes up.

I've been put on a diet! Be my accountant!

City Natural Foods.

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"It's not good. By the looks of it he's in a persistent vegetative state!!"

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

PSA Banter.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

Providing Healthcare For All

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

"Is that your idea of a well balanced diet"

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"Gesundheit!"