Finding Humor Pillows

'Have you tried watching C-SPAN?'

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

'Kix? Yes, Ma'am -- you can get your Kix on aisle 66.'

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

Apricots

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

Shoe repair

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

"Damn it, Hopkins, didn't you get yesterday's memo?"

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

Meds Toast

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

'You will never require the services of a dating agency.'

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

"Of course I'm self-absorbed. I'm a sponge!"

Cakeless.

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."

"Would you mind if my new friend Ted joins us?

'I perched on Blackbeard's shoulder for three years, then went to work for Long-John Silver...'

"Yes, I know darling, getting a sore throat is bad: it really hurts to swallow..."

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

Cow can

'Your heart is slightly larger but that's because you're an animal lover.'

"Hello, Dr. Moreno? I wanted to tell you how nice it was to visit you today, but I'm not sure I needed all the pill samples...especially since I'm not sick."

Watch out for number one.