Finding Humor Pillows

'Have you tried watching C-SPAN?'

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

'Kix? Yes, Ma'am -- you can get your Kix on aisle 66.'

Apricots

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

Shoe repair

"Damn it, Hopkins, didn't you get yesterday's memo?"

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

Mister Oedipus.

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

Meds Toast

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

"Sure, I may be over the top, but at least I'm not underhanded like him!"

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

'You will never require the services of a dating agency.'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

"Would you mind if my new friend Ted joins us?

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."

"Of course I'm self-absorbed. I'm a sponge!"

Cakeless.

"Yes, I know darling, getting a sore throat is bad: it really hurts to swallow..."

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'I perched on Blackbeard's shoulder for three years, then went to work for Long-John Silver...'

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

Cow can

'Your heart is slightly larger but that's because you're an animal lover.'

"Hello, Dr. Moreno? I wanted to tell you how nice it was to visit you today, but I'm not sure I needed all the pill samples...especially since I'm not sick."