Reading Humor Pillows

"What Hershey bar? I don't see any Hershey bar."

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

"Sorry, boss, but I'd like to take a leaf of absence."

"This is the first time I've heard of a cat contesting the will."

'Mr Jonah is no longer with us. Mr Jonah was swallowed by a whale.'

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

'No use crying over spilt milk.'

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

Men at Work

'Okay, so I knew he was a Zombie when I married him, but all I'm asking, is that he uses a little mouth wash before kissing me!'

'All our openings are currently filled, but I'll see if I can pull some strings!'

Scrooge is visited by the ghost of German haircuts.

'Ugh! Can you stop thinking about work for 5 minutes?!'

'Not the repair manual. Bring me the book of mechanics' curse words.'

We lose a lot of packages -- what makes yours so special?

'I perched on Blackbeard's shoulder for three years, then went to work for Long-John Silver...'

'...and come March I plan to go mad!'

Coming soon: The Garden of Eden Shopping Center.

'I understand that some patrons are getting flies in their soup.'

'Don't bother me, Harriet. Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?'

'Well, this is a first- you seem to be allergic to distilled water.'

Man in Hell, 'Well, I gotta tell ya, layers is NOT the answer.'

'How are your corns?'

Impractical Guide to having Babies: 'Teddy Bears'

Don't sweat the huge stuff.

"Hello, Dr. Moreno? I wanted to tell you how nice it was to visit you today, but I'm not sure I needed all the pill samples...especially since I'm not sick."

Empathy

"Insolvency isn't the end of the world. That comes next year."

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."

"No! Please don't jump! My car is parked right under you!"

"Yes mother - I AM wearing clean underwear!"

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

The last word

"Do you remember anything about the bank robber's appearance, ma'am?"

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."