Reading Humor Pillows

"What Hershey bar? I don't see any Hershey bar."

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

"No, you idiot. It says 'I left you four brownies'!"

"Sorry, boss, but I'd like to take a leaf of absence."

"This is the first time I've heard of a cat contesting the will."

'Mr Jonah is no longer with us. Mr Jonah was swallowed by a whale.'

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

'No use crying over spilt milk.'

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

Men at Work

'Okay, so I knew he was a Zombie when I married him, but all I'm asking, is that he uses a little mouth wash before kissing me!'

'All our openings are currently filled, but I'll see if I can pull some strings!'

Mister Oedipus.

Scrooge is visited by the ghost of German haircuts.

'Ugh! Can you stop thinking about work for 5 minutes?!'

'Not the repair manual. Bring me the book of mechanics' curse words.'

Man in Hell, 'Well, I gotta tell ya, layers is NOT the answer.'

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

"Do you remember anything about the bank robber's appearance, ma'am?"

The last word

"I don't think it's ever too soon to retain an attorney, nut I think your baby should wait until at least the 2nd trimester."

Don't sweat the huge stuff.

Impractical Guide to having Babies: 'Teddy Bears'

'How are your corns?'

We lose a lot of packages -- what makes yours so special?

'Well, this is a first- you seem to be allergic to distilled water.'

'Don't bother me, Harriet. Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?'

'I understand that some patrons are getting flies in their soup.'

Coming soon: The Garden of Eden Shopping Center.

'...and come March I plan to go mad!'

'I perched on Blackbeard's shoulder for three years, then went to work for Long-John Silver...'

Whine-a-holics anonymous.

'That's him. Though I can barely recognize him... Don't look, sweetie.'