Comedy Reading Pillows

Examination.

'I ate my homework, AGAIN!'

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"The Hound of the Baskervilles, Watson--I took him walkies!"

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

A man and his dog both reading.

Apricots

"The test results show its frostbite!"

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

'Okay, you wanted to eat some pickled gherkins... and what happened then?!'

'I've discovered you have feet of clay.'

"Really Mum? Natural selection gave us short arms to stop us from picking our noses?"

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

Honey, Can You Buy Me Some Sanitary Towels?

"I suggest you get more iron in your system and get the lead out."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

Book

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

'Tax inspector: In. Out. Suicide notes.'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'It's not that I don't appreciate the work you do for us, it's just that nobody does.'

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."

"Yes, I know darling, getting a sore throat is bad: it really hurts to swallow..."

"Can you give me some you haven't chewed on already."