Comedy Reading Gifts

Examination.

'I ate my homework, AGAIN!'

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

"The Hound of the Baskervilles, Watson--I took him walkies!"

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

Yesterday I had an argument with the janitor of my building, and then last night I dreamed that he was chasing me with a large ball-peen hammer

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

A man and his dog both reading.

Apricots

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

"The test results show its frostbite!"

"Really Mum? Natural selection gave us short arms to stop us from picking our noses?"

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

'Okay, you wanted to eat some pickled gherkins... and what happened then?!'

'I've discovered you have feet of clay.'

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

Mister Oedipus.

Honey, Can You Buy Me Some Sanitary Towels?

"Sure, I may be over the top, but at least I'm not underhanded like him!"

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

'Tax inspector: In. Out. Suicide notes.'

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Book

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

"I suggest you get more iron in your system and get the lead out."

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'It's not that I don't appreciate the work you do for us, it's just that nobody does.'

Psychiatry. I keep thinking the same bad thoughts over and over! An "emotional baggage carousel"!

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

Wonder Woman: "Trapped in a Man's World"