Comic Reading Gifts

NHS very direct - 'You have a terminal illness and you are going to die. Thanks for your call...'

How to injury yourself as an adult

"There's no easy way I can tell you this, so I'm sending you to someone who can."

'Mom, that's not fair! Dad got an apple and I don't!'

'It's not that I don't appreciate the work you do for us, it's just that nobody does.'

'It's easy to tell conventional churches from cults, because we ask for 10%, while cults demand 100%.'

'There it is again...that mysterious feeling that we're clipped from a newspaper and hung on someone's refrigerator.'

"The bad news is that you have a disease unknown to medical science. The good news is I'm going to name it after me."

'According to our information, you worked between the 24th and 25th of December, whilst still claiming unemployment benefit.'

'You mean to ssssay we have sssspeach imedimentssss?'

Wordilly Durdillies - Many athletes fail dopey tests!

Police will be looking for the following offences: speeding, drink and drug driving, not wearing a seatbelt, adjusting makeup, loud arguing and entertaining lustful thoughts,,,

Honey, Can You Buy Me Some Sanitary Towels?

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: 'Here kitty...here kitty...'

Tell the butts face I love her.

'I don't care if the world does run out of petroleum. They make pesticides from petroleum.'

'How about some lip balm for those dry lips?'

'Geez. . . I thought you'd be happy your dad and Victoria are getting married. . . because it's not all about you?'

'Get busy, Yomp! The warden's cat had kittens, and they need that sandbox now!'

'Darling, I told you not to call me at work.'

'Ooooo...heartburn!'

'Okay, you wanted to eat some pickled gherkins... and what happened then?!'

"A clean nose is better...sniff this!"

"The day had not started well... he had woken too grumpy to even complain."

Excess Baggage: If calories consumed on vacation don't count, then little creatures must sneak into your room at night to shrink your clothes.

"When are you going to admit that you're a procrastinator?"

"I can't believe I'm stuck here with Sylvia Sanchez, the prettiest girl in school!"

"He came highly recommended – then again, it was a jury recommendation."

Wonder Woman: "Trapped in a Man's World"

Democrat Mess

"The test results show its frostbite!"

"And that would be little Susan."

"Do you ever worry about the growing gap between the sane and you?"

"We regret to report that despite our peak production, we're not in the top ten in creating pollution."

"Stupid h*." "Dumb b***h."