Comedy Readers Gifts

Animal Book Club

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

'Remember only you can prevent forest fires.'

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"Relax. I just had a vitamin."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

"Ernestine is trying to get St. Patrick to change his mind."

"That'll be five bucks."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

X-ray Psychology.

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

"Yeah, I'm moonlighting. It's a living."

The Salmon Run

'What sort of wines do you like?' ... 'Powerful ones!'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

Fish snorkling above water.

wattle covers

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'The cutbacks begin to affect wizards.'

'I think it's about time we tell him he's adopted.'

Muhammad Ali publishes a popup book.

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

'A is for Arse.'

Sign that says 'This is not a sign.'

"The fourth horseman says that he will be late. He hasn't left the Old Testament yet."

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."