Reading Comedy Gifts

'I'm finished with the towels so I left them on the floor. Now where can I leave my husband?'

"He's cutting the workforce in half? But we can hardly see over the workstation as it is."

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

"The Hound of the Baskervilles, Watson--I took him walkies!"

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

Yesterday I had an argument with the janitor of my building, and then last night I dreamed that he was chasing me with a large ball-peen hammer

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

Apricots

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

A man and his dog both reading.

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

"The test results show its frostbite!"

Examination.

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

'I've discovered you have feet of clay.'

'Okay, you wanted to eat some pickled gherkins... and what happened then?!'

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

Mister Oedipus.

"Sure, I may be over the top, but at least I'm not underhanded like him!"

Act as though you're in a screwball comedy.

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

'Tax inspector: In. Out. Suicide notes.'

Book

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"I suggest you get more iron in your system and get the lead out."

Honey, Can You Buy Me Some Sanitary Towels?

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'It's not that I don't appreciate the work you do for us, it's just that nobody does.'

Stephen Fry