Reading Comedy Pillows

'I'm finished with the towels so I left them on the floor. Now where can I leave my husband?'

"He's cutting the workforce in half? But we can hardly see over the workstation as it is."

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

"The Hound of the Baskervilles, Watson--I took him walkies!"

Examination.

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

A man and his dog both reading.

"The test results show its frostbite!"

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

Apricots

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

'Okay, you wanted to eat some pickled gherkins... and what happened then?!'

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

'I've discovered you have feet of clay.'

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

'Tax inspector: In. Out. Suicide notes.'

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

Act as though you're in a screwball comedy.

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

Honey, Can You Buy Me Some Sanitary Towels?

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Book

"I suggest you get more iron in your system and get the lead out."

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'It's not that I don't appreciate the work you do for us, it's just that nobody does.'

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."

"Yes, I know darling, getting a sore throat is bad: it really hurts to swallow..."

Wonder Woman: "Trapped in a Man's World"