Humor Reading Pillows

'So how would you like your coffee...Small, Large or Intravenous???'

Clancy: Life Insurance

'It wasn't the proverbial cookie jar, Sir. It was just the real cookie jar.'

'Schmidt's having a hard time maintaining that breezy air of optimism we so admire.'

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

Apricots

All this pressure to be the perfect storm...

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

Examination.

A man and his dog both reading.

"No, I said to swab the deck!"

'I've discovered you have feet of clay.'

'You can hit out of the trap or take a 2 stroke penalty.'

Mister Oedipus.

'I sort of drifted into this...I always wanted to do children's gymkhanas.'

"I suggest you get more iron in your system and get the lead out."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

'...and don't think I didn't see that flying tackle.'

Book

"Sure, I may be over the top, but at least I'm not underhanded like him!"

"First of all, kudos on landing a corner office."

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

Psychiatry. I keep thinking the same bad thoughts over and over! An "emotional baggage carousel"!

The Family Joules: Part 17

'I perched on Blackbeard's shoulder for three years, then went to work for Long-John Silver...'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

"Would you mind if my new friend Ted joins us?

"Yuck! Som'one left their nose in this book!"

"Yes, I know darling, getting a sore throat is bad: it really hurts to swallow..."

"Of course I'm self-absorbed. I'm a sponge!"

"In school I got punished for copying, yet now it's all I'm asked to do."