Psychiatrists Gifts

"I'm right there in the room, and no one even acknowledges me."

'I'm an honest person but when I take an online survey, I'm a big liar.'

"It feels like people are always trying to avoid me."

"When did you start thinking there might be something wrong with you?" "When you told me!"

An obsession with drugs,delusions of power,paranoid tendencies...still enough about me what can I do for you?

'So how long have you had teenage children?'

'I get better results with a live elephant and an invisible fence.'

I'll bark, and you bark the first thing that comes to mine.'

'I have excellence fatigue.'

'I'm being denied access to the Warren Buffett within me.'

'And how old were you when your mother first called you a scaredy cat.'

'I don't feel like there is anything to sing about.'

"Look! A dying brain cell! Maybe we should help!...."

'Ignore me, it's just my nut allergy.'

'I think I need a new psychiatrist. The one I have now gave me a mood ring to monitor my progress.'

'Not only will it help him concentrate, but recent studies have shown that students who take Ritalin are 40 less likely to do drugs.'

'The voices in my head are saying that you're overcharging me.'

"You have the right to remain silent – but, it would be helpful to know what you think."

Psychiatrist not listening to patients problems

'Right. Making money in the stock market isn't everything... that leaves bonds.'

'It's hypochondria-we're going to give a pretend MRI on this tanning bed.'

Santa's chimney climbing is a fixation with mothers womb

'I won't be coming to see you again. I've purchased a therapeutic mattress.'

Amnesiacs Convention.

Side Effects

"Freud doesn't work for you, so I', going to try some Dr. Anthony Fauci..."

"I suspect he might be depressed, let's give him a label and see whether a few years of unemployment and poverty helps his condition!"

"What makes you think Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and all that bunch are so happy?"

"That's my best advice to you, Mr. Gilbert. Try not to reject it out of hand simply because it also happens to be Mike Lupica's advice to the Mets."

"You're completely screwed up."

"Last week, when I was telling you about my Lou Ferrigno dream, were you fighting off a yawn? Do you go to therapy? What would you do if I touched your ear? Yes or no—am I insane?"

'My psychiatrist told me to take up a hobby, so I became a psychiatrist.'

'…and then I invented ‘prong-less' barbed wire…'

'May I suggest a course of therapy Mr Silver. 15 men is an awful lot to get off your dead man's chest in just the one session.'

'Would you mind holding your breath while I have a cigarette?'