Physician Gifts

"It's your ear, nose, and throat."

"Now that's the kind of positive attitude I'm really going to miss."

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'Despite all these changes in modern society, a prolapse is still a prolapse.'

"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"

"We medical practitioners do our very best, Mr. Nyman. Nothing is more sacred to us than the doctor-plaintiff relationship."

Dermatologist: Rash decisions made here.

"My physician prescribed a customized formulation for me."

Dermatology: Journal of Itchcraft.

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Quack'

Internal Medicine, Nuclear Medicine, Laughter is the Best Medicine.

"You may believe you've been overcharged, but, remember, you're overmedicated."

'Congratulations! You've gone from a care-free baby-boomer, to a care-needy elderly person in record time!'

"The doctor said your cholesterol is a little high, but everything else looks normal."

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

"What's the next best medicine?"

'We heard that laughter is the best medicine, so beginning Monday we'll be regulating it.'

'I'm the one with the medical degree, I'll determine if your back is bothering you or not.'

'Here's my DNA sequence.'

'...Okay, just a few more items to add to your EHR. I appreciate your patience...'

'I'm thinking of cutting my hours down to 24/7.'

'You are a very good nurse. You're actually listening to what I'm saying.'

In the dark days, before doctor-patient confidentiality.

"Although it's nothing serious, let's keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't turn into a major lawsuit."

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'Conventional medicine says take an aspirin. In the absence of tort reform, defensive medicine says MRI and Cat Scan.'

'Off hand, I'd say you're suffering from an arrow through your head, but just to play it safe, I'm ordering a bunch of tests.'

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. The anesthesiologist is on vacation."

'I have the MRI scan of your brain. The right hemisphere is clogged with computer passwords.'

"This is a second opinion. At first, I thought you had something else."

'I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead but I came in for a second opinion.'

'The good news is that it's not my problem.'