Productivity Purist Gifts

"And another thing, stop sending me e-mails."

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'I play so hard that I have no time to work hard.'

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

Motivation to work

"Do we always have to work through lunch?"

"Why can't I get anything done unless I'm totally stressed out about it?" "Is it possible to be relaxed and still be productive?" "What is wrong with my brain?" "Why don't you work better?"

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

'We need to have a shake-up!'

A breakthrough in the morning meeting

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

'What can I do to create a climate where things get done?'

Targets.

"Give a man a job, and he'll work all day. Teach a man to delegate, and he'll take the rest of the day off."

"Has anyone else noticed that the efficiency experts seem a little robotic?"

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

"There appears to be a direct correlation between fewer meetings and higher productivity."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'My multi-tasking turned into faulty-tasking.'

'This software package can cut your workload in half. Do you want to purchase two copies?'

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

Experience-Productivity Ratio / Age-Salary Ratio.

Here's a new Blackberry with a special silent alarm that vibrates and delivers a small electrical shock. We call it the Gooseberry.

I have plenty of work harder bees. Get me more work smarter bees.

"Miss Jones! Clear my schedule until I get this sorted out!"

"Oh, I can be dependable, and for another £200 a week, I can be productive too."

'I'm sorry you had to wait. My Time Management Workshop started late.'

'I never wanted the best years of your life Clayton - just a few good days would do.'

"Some days, no matter how much you procrastinate, work still gets done."