Productivity Pundit Gifts

Modern management?

'Good morning, I am Mister Greenreaper independent consultant. The management has asked me to reorganize your department in oder to improve its productivity and its competivity.'

'Each week I give 100% of myself to this job, at the rate of 20% a day.'

"At least TRY to look as busy as a bee!"

"Unsticky notes test #17 success!"

"I'm always suspicious of empty wastebaskets."

"Give a man a job, and he'll work all day. Teach a man to delegate, and he'll take the rest of the day off."

Workaholics Anonymous

"That must be the new 'sit-work' desk."

“Incinerator four really failed to deliver today.”

No caption (A spider using a cell phone spins a randomly patterned web).

How to boost your work output...

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

'Your supervisor says you have been giving 100 each week, but at the rate of 20 each day.'

"You'd be more productive if this was plugged in."

"We've increased job satisfaction. Now let's focus on productivity."

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'No, I'm not stranded. This is the only place I could find that has no distractions.'

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

Motivation to work

The World's First Electronic Paperweight

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

"Why can't I get anything done unless I'm totally stressed out about it?" "Is it possible to be relaxed and still be productive?" "What is wrong with my brain?" "Why don't you work better?"

"Do we always have to work through lunch?"

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

"Has anyone else noticed that the efficiency experts seem a little robotic?"

Targets.

"...simple, we topped the water cooler with energy drinks and productivity rocketed."

'My multi-tasking turned into faulty-tasking.'