Productivity Expert Gifts

'Right we need an urgent response to our productivity problems...'

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

"Why can't the rest of you be more like Rollins, here? He does his homework!"

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'No, I'm not stranded. This is the only place I could find that has no distractions.'

Time Is Money

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"Listen to this: 'Technology reduces the time we spend on a given task, but increases the number of tasks we're expected to do.' Sounds like a no-win situation to me!"

Motivation to work

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"My preferred pronoun is they."

"Do we always have to work through lunch?"

Worker ant's To Do list.

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

'We need to have a shake-up!'

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

"Give a man a job, and he'll work all day. Teach a man to delegate, and he'll take the rest of the day off."

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

"Has anyone else noticed that the efficiency experts seem a little robotic?"

"...simple, we topped the water cooler with energy drinks and productivity rocketed."

'My multi-tasking turned into faulty-tasking.'

'This software package can cut your workload in half. Do you want to purchase two copies?'

Dave realised that Clive didn't see problems,only 'challenges to be embraced'.

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

Stress

"Some days, no matter how much you procrastinate, work still gets done."

"Miss Jones! Clear my schedule until I get this sorted out!"

'I'm sorry you had to wait. My Time Management Workshop started late.'

"Oh, I can be dependable, and for another £200 a week, I can be productive too."