Team Productivity Expert Gifts

'Perkins does the work of two men, unfortunately both of them are incompetent.'

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'No, I'm not stranded. This is the only place I could find that has no distractions.'

"My preferred pronoun is they."

Motivation to work

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

'We need to have a shake-up!'

"JB wears many hats. He just can't delegate"

"Has anyone else noticed that the efficiency experts seem a little robotic?"

"Give a man a job, and he'll work all day. Teach a man to delegate, and he'll take the rest of the day off."

'This software package can cut your workload in half. Do you want to purchase two copies?'

'I think it has reached critical mass.'

Dave realised that Clive didn't see problems,only 'challenges to be embraced'.

Non-Jet Lag.

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

"Oh, I can be dependable, and for another £200 a week, I can be productive too."

Strategic Planning Magnetic Kit showing words such as 'increase,' 'global,' 'leading,' and 'profitable'

'We like the teamwork idea, but Billy won't let us play with his ball.'

"Our open-space office really stimulates information sharing when everyone removes their noise-cancelling headphones."

'Im so overloaded with emails, just one monitor wasn't enough to handle them all.'

Workaholics Anonymous meeting: 'No one showed up. Everyone is working.'

"I think you're becoming a workaholic."

Working Environment

"Apart from that, Bob, what else did you learn on the team-building paintball weekend?"

"This report says a happy workforce is a productive workforce, but I need more proof before I go changing everything around."

"Don't wait up for me. I'm going to have to put in an all-winter."

'I start my day by making a list of everything I need to do . . . and who I can get to do it for me.'