Team Productivity Expert Pillows

'Perkins does the work of two men, unfortunately both of them are incompetent.'

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'No, I'm not stranded. This is the only place I could find that has no distractions.'

"My preferred pronoun is they."

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

Motivation to work

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

'We need to have a shake-up!'

"JB wears many hats. He just can't delegate"

"Give a man a job, and he'll work all day. Teach a man to delegate, and he'll take the rest of the day off."

"Has anyone else noticed that the efficiency experts seem a little robotic?"

'This software package can cut your workload in half. Do you want to purchase two copies?'

'I think it has reached critical mass.'

Dave realised that Clive didn't see problems,only 'challenges to be embraced'.

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

Non-Jet Lag.

Here's a new Blackberry with a special silent alarm that vibrates and delivers a small electrical shock. We call it the Gooseberry.

"Oh, I can be dependable, and for another £200 a week, I can be productive too."

Strategic Planning Magnetic Kit showing words such as 'increase,' 'global,' 'leading,' and 'profitable'

'We like the teamwork idea, but Billy won't let us play with his ball.'

"Our open-space office really stimulates information sharing when everyone removes their noise-cancelling headphones."

Workaholics Anonymous meeting: 'No one showed up. Everyone is working.'

'Im so overloaded with emails, just one monitor wasn't enough to handle them all.'

"Apart from that, Bob, what else did you learn on the team-building paintball weekend?"

Working Environment

"I think you're becoming a workaholic."

Corporate Cafeteria. I don't care how many toppings you pizza has --- eating it is not multitasking!

"This report says a happy workforce is a productive workforce, but I need more proof before I go changing everything around."

"Don't wait up for me. I'm going to have to put in an all-winter."