Prison Pundit Gifts

I made my money the old fashioned way... I printed it.

'I was innocent until proven guilty, which took about fifteen minutes.'

'And then the jury decided that I was ready for a long term relationship with the penal code system.'

'Look on the bright side. You haven't paid a penny in tax since you've been here.'

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Stop and Birch

When staffing agencies screw up.

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

Mismanagement Consultant.

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

"The governor is considering your petition. He has one question: did you vote for him the last election?"

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

"How'd you know I was in for cyber crime?"

'The hard time isn't so bad, but that community service is murder!'

'See, I told you it was a good idea to talk to the plants.'

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

'Over the years our company has acquired a face of its own.'

EU-budget fight

"Murder one. How about you?" "I tried to rob an arts and crafts store with a hot glue gun."

Convict Decor

Ostrich with head buried in newspaper

Before you read the Guardian, ask yourself: do I need to?

"It's ridiculous to claim that we've been rewarding investment managers foolishly!"

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

"I know that you've always enoyed your work."

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

Prison baseball game features Bankers vs. Wall Street.

Jeremy Paxman.

Newspaper circulation gauge.