Praise Paradox Gifts

They hated me.

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Think outside the box but never forget who owns the box."

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"He's very disciplined about his writing, every morning he stares at the keyboard for at least 4 hours before he allows himself a cup of tea!"

WANTED Dead or Alive - Schrodinger's Cat.

"I have good news and bad news about your cat, Dr Schrodinger..."

"What kind of tomorrow is it? — I don't know, when I wake up, it's already today."

"Apparently, if you understand it, you don’t understand it."

"If all countries are in debt, who's got all the money?"

The Meaning of Life

"I'm sorry son, I don't know how to answer whether today is opposite day or not."

"I found another great book about living with less stuff."

'Applicant wacked out, suggest immediate promotion.'

'He may be a brilliant academician, but he's even dumber than the rest of us when he tries to do anything practical around the house.'

'I'm sure looking forward to relaxing when we get to the summit.'

"The good news is that you'll be immortalized in a world-famous painting. The bad news...your face is stuck like that for life!"

"That was Albert. He was at a demonstration against global warming and now he's in the hospital with frostbite."

Letter to God

"Well, I thought installing a kitchen faucet without having to call the plumber was a pretty good 'praise'."

"Carl had the mouth of a truck driver... Sorry, Carl, I just can't make no sense from all those words comin’ out your pie hole. A truck driver with a Ph.D. in mathematical logic."

"I'd let her go, but she's so good with the kids."

Maybe we never actually do anything because we keep calling for a show of hands.

'You're not really into this, are you Mahoney?'

'I've been looking everywhere for that!'

"That's right, Mr. Jenkins, we rejected your membership application because you wrote your name on it..."

"You shouldn't be so afraid of the dentist."

Woman says treadmill reminds her of her life.

'Say that again and you're a dead man!'

Clancy: Good Idea

Tortured by music

A hunter sits reading by the fireplace with Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and the Easter Bunny's heads mounted on the wall as trophies.

"I don't care if you are the invisible man, sir, I can't let you in if you're not wearing a tie!"

"The hibiscus really ties the place together."

Scenic Route.