Academic Paradox Gifts

'He may be a brilliant academician, but he's even dumber than the rest of us when he tries to do anything practical around the house.'

They hated me.

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

In many ways this is the perfect job! Out. Out.

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"I was planning to grow old with Matthew Nelson, but it looks like I'll be growing old with my algebra teacher."

'She flunked me, but I plea-bargained my way up to a C-plus!'

"He's very disciplined about his writing, every morning he stares at the keyboard for at least 4 hours before he allows himself a cup of tea!"

WANTED Dead or Alive - Schrodinger's Cat.

"I have good news and bad news about your cat, Dr Schrodinger..."

Yale makes better lock than rival Harvard.

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"

"The answer you seek can be found in the syllabus."

"Since when did economists become sociologists?!"

"What kind of tomorrow is it? — I don't know, when I wake up, it's already today."

'By the second week of instruction all first-graders should be able to count to one.'

"Don't pull any wisdom teeth. I need all the help I can get in school."

A heated argument between dons of applied maths and ancient history.

"I'm sorry son, I don't know how to answer whether today is opposite day or not."

'Dr. Nackschmerz has a very logical mind.' - 'Yes - in contrast to his body.'

'At least you won't have to worry about the rising costs of a college education.'

'The good news is that you don't have any long-term memory loss. The bad news is it's all MIDTERM memory loss.'

Opening arguments would begin after the intimidation round.

"We're not too concerned about him not graduating. We've only made it to tenth grade so we're already proud."

Goodbye Party Today - Prof Whiley is Retiring to Spend More Time with his Inner Child.

'I probably won't be asked to be the first brain donor.'

"If you upgrade this to an 'A' I think I can get you an extra $10,000."

History exam marked as an 'Epic fail'.

"I'd let her go, but she's so good with the kids."

Mathematicians' put down.

"There it is, son, your four years at Princeton."

"I'm broke, I'm back...and I'm willing to discuss law school."

'I'm what you can't learn at Harvard Business school.'

'And I see you have a degree from the University of Wikipedia...'